A little catch up

A little catch up you say? (I realize I'm just saying this to myself) But who am I kidding, there isn't anything little in the amount of time that has passed since I've written.  I'm sitting here with a huge scoop of peanut butter on a spoon with a pile of laundry that is actually folded-I know I know-small miracles are EVERYWHERE, and still wearing this morning's work out clothes. This summer we've added another Reid, driven to and from Missouri (that epic road trip deserves it's own post and I will graciously oblige soon enough), made many a trip to the beach and even made it to Gettysburg.

Xman...what can I say? Just a quick run down of my first born....3.5 and is finally able to tell everyone so (it took him all these past 6 months to move past telling people he was 2), is very independent in all the good and not so good ways (read: he is constantly telling me "I can do it myself" but still can't dress himself! Ha! He is a wonderful problem solver, and just because I tell him "no", he is more than likely going to push the chair over to reach what he wants anyways.  Just today he asked me to leave the room after I told him he couldn't have raisins, because-well just read the former sentence.  He loves his littlest brother and mostly loves his middle brother.  When he met baby JJ for the first time he immediately asked to hold him and started whispering in his ear "I got you baby, I got you."  MELT MY FROZEN HEART! Seriously! He still is the first to comfort JJ when I'm not in the room, and brings him a pacifier straight away.  But he's 3.5 so he knows how to throw a wonderful Oscar winning performance of a tantrum, can get quite physical with Jude and knows how to hit ALL the notes of the banshee-especially in any place public.  He's very thoughtful and inquisitive, is fine tuning the art of conversation, loves Despicable Me, is really good at stealing his dad's iPad or phone to play Fruit Ninja and enjoys a good twirl with me.  Nothing gets by this kid, he takes it ALL in and will let you know in the most inconspicuous way. Like the time we were helping decorate my friend's wedding venue and he found a pair of scissors and began cutting flowers from her aisle arrangements clearly wielding his green thumb-watch and learn Martha Stewart.  He prefers pants with pockets so he can put real keys in his pockets like his dad, among a number of many other objects (rocks, cars, more rocks).  My bossiness is becoming his bossiness (whoops!), and there really IS something to the notion that how you talk to your children becomes their inner voice and their really LOUD external voice as well. 

"Momma, momma, mommmmmma! Will you read me another story?"


Jude, Baby J, meatball.....the kid is our comic relief.  His wide open mouthed grin takes up his whole face, so much so that his eyes squint closed and is always quick to laugh.  He is my MORE kiddo.  I don't know if I can properly explain it, but his emotions and moods are just magnified on both ends of the spectrum when he's "in" it.  He is the kid the definitely marches to the beat of his own drummer, everything is a game and I do mean EVERYTHING...especially his food, it very quickly becomes a car or plane or train.  He loves his big brother, and if imitation is the highest form of flattery than watch out Xman, he might just out Xman you! He jumps with both feet and pulls his legs under him, I've never seen a kid jump like that.  He talks to himself in the car seat or in his crib and most of the time I have NOT A SINGLE clue what he is saying and it makes me smile because its always happy chatter. His high pitched squeals rival Xman's, and watch out world when they have a scream off-glass may or may not have shattered more than once.  He loves a good snuggle, asks for "uppy" and when up gives a great atta-boy back pat.  His joy when on a swing could rival that of the Danes.  He never ever wants to be left out and therefor makes his presence known everywhere.  He likes to throw sand especially as his brother protests and likes to jump the ocean waves more.  He is my sensory seeker-touches everything, quite a messy eater, crashes into everything a lot, and has a head harder than titanium (my mom keeps telling "that boy needs a helmet"). He, too, has learned the fine art of pushing chair to reach the strategically placed out of his reach objects.  Baby J's face has more expressions than my cable has channels.  Even when he is mad or upset and trying his hardest to get his albeit not completely rational point across, it is EXTREMELY hard to take him seriously because he's just so darn cute.  He can also be stubborn, so stubborn is drives me a little batty at times- his no mean NO unequivocally. He loves his littlest brother, and by love I mean  he loves to smother him in his Incredible Hulk doesn't know his own strength kind of love. Ahhhhh the ties that bind.

Thanks for staying tuned to my snooze of a tome.  Until another 6 months....ha!

It came upon a midnight dreary

Nighttime parenting-I'm just going to put it out there, I'm TERRIBLE at it.  Why? Because I turn into to one grumpy to put it mildly, impatient, and delirious person.  I think this comes from the fact that I haven't slept through the night in over 3 years, we co-sleep and my littlest little becomes the spawn of some insomniac demon.  SERIOUSLY, this is no joke.  I know ya'll are thinking "Oh, he can't be that bad", or "I know him in-real-life and he is so happy" and all I can say is.....okay, he's yours for ONE night or as many as you can handle.  This kid of mine, well I'm to the point of hiring a body double or stand in parent during the night and I don't even know if that kind of thing exists but if it doesn't I think I've just tapped into a part of the baby market that has been thus far ignored but so desperately NEEDED.   I think this idea is SO good, I'm ready to take it to Shark Tank.  Maybe this is the lack of sleep talking.

I don't think I can find the words to paint an accurate picture of what it is like to sleep with Baby J on a nightly basis but I'm definitely going to try-so sit back and enjoy the scenery of our nighttime dance unfold before you, complete with run on sentences and the most vivid language I can muster.

Baby J starts his night in the crib, goes down with ease (I mean, REALLY easy-rock him for a few, sing a song and pat his back for a minute easy) but still doesn't sleep through the night.  Annnnnnd then the startling screams and half awake whines start.  Baby J is restless, sooooooo restless.  He will physically attempt to roll me on my back and then proceed to turn my head sideways so he can lay his WHOLE head across my face.  He will also wedge his entire head under my chin slowing crushing my wind pipe while gently stroking my cheek, or he will do several 360's until he is nuzzled as close to me and in the crook of my arm, or sometimes he'll just jab my throat and poke me in the eyes to make sure I'm alive, or I'll roll over onto my side and will immediately feel his bowling ball head, knee or foot in my back.  Did I mention that when I finally get a good choke hold on him he starts kicking-just searching for some point of contact where he can inflict his nightly act of mommy terrorism.  Last night I got a REAL good head butt right to the nose, and of course expletives flew from my mouth in every direction.   That's just a tiny taste of as of late, I think I block out most of it or else insanity would be my new middle name.

Nighttime parenting is just HARD.  I'm not good at it, and I just want Baby J to sleep through the night (did I mention that he is 17 months old, and has been weened for almost 4 months now).  Maybe my expectations of getting a WHOLE night of uninterrupted sleep is shooting for the moon, but I honestly thought it would be a possibility at this point.  Maybe tomorrow night?  

The little blog that could

Oh my poor little babies-n-bloom blog, you poor forgotten, abandoned, neglected blog.  Being new (mostly) to the blogosphere, its really easy to feel dejected when no one is following, or you feel that you aren't a good writer when you read a more popular and extremely funny mommy blog and start comparing, or you don't think that expressing yourself or documenting your life (for yourself and your family) is something of value. It is, it most definitely is.  My mother wrote in journals for years, we have albums filled with wonderful memories from our childhood and I want that for my children.  I want them to remember their childhood through me when they can't remember the precious things they said and did, and I want to remember those moments too.  I am lazy sometimes, but I don't want to be. The end.  

Happy Burrrrrrrrrrrrrfthday

You say it's your birthday, and yes you would be CORRECT! I will now dub thee the smartest 2year old I know.  At least that's the fun little not so far from crazy town reel that plays in my head on the day of your birth, because in reality X-man is only sorta talking and it's definitely a LOT of jibberish.

*time out* I just have to share the most ridiculous commercial I just saw for a life size teddy bear (the cheese factor was truly up there with the miracle products sold on late night television)....that every girlfriend/wife/significant other is just DYING to receive on Valentine's Day. Cuz ya know, nothing says I Love You like a fluffy stuffed bear to convey the deepest feelings of your heart on V-Day...I think that maybe if I continue down this path I will just spiral into a negative rant about said "holiday", so *time in*

X-Man is TWO YEARS OLD today, I just can't believe that I gave birth to this dude (and that's exactly what he is becoming)two years ago.  He has taught me how to be a mommy, and he has also been my guinea pig for parenting tips sometimes gone right or not(stay tuned for my holier-than-though parenting book due out next to NEVER), he has such a quiet calm personality (I just can't wait for the terrible two's let me tell ya) and through my mommy rose colored glasses he has the most adorable little man face, like top model adorable.  Is it ok to say that I have had the most FUN being his mommy? This is not to say that we haven't had our fair share of challenges, and I'm sure there are plenty in our future.

I occasionally look through photos of him since the day he was born, and I couldn't tell you where the time has gone....pre-emptive warning, you are allowed to roll your eyes at my next statement.... It reminds me of that John Mayer song "Stop this train"......
you'll renegotiate

Don't stop this train

Don't for a minute change the place you're in

Don't think I couldn't ever understand

I tried my hand

John, honestly we'll never stop this train

And there you have it. As much as I want to burn every little tiny detail of every day of our lives with X-man it's impossible, and that just makes me want to bottle him up so he can't get any older. Another impossibility, I know.  So, Happy Birthday to my first little man.

Click here to view these pictures larger

Smushy mushy

It's a little known secret that I am a huge mush bucket that wears her beating heart on her sleeve (and yes, third person narrative always required when referring to thyself).  If you knew this about me then go along your merry way, but today is the day I am going to get mushy about my blessings....ya know, the things in my life that I thank God for every day and some things I don't thank God for enough.  So lately I've been somewhat angry, impatient and maybe feeling down right nasty (I am gonna blame the raging hormones that are back in full effect post baby), but there you have it....I don't always feel like a shiny new penny fresh from the mint and am most definitely not as enthusiastic about the day-to-day....and I'm hoping the frustration isn't something that only I feel or it's abnormal or makes me a bad wife/mom/daughter....which also makes me a little more angry that I let my neurosis run away with itself like a track star. Or maybe this is what a sleep deprived person looks like, ha!

I have always been a believer that God will send me the things I need to hear/read/witness...and I usually "get" it when it keeps happening....my husband reminded me yesterday how great we have it (I wanted to remind him that he isn't the one up several times at night). I really really really need to stop letting the trees ruin my view of the beautiful forest that is my life.

My husband is such an amazing rock, who is so kind and gentle and is my pinch hitter in the patience department when I've pulled a hammie over a tantrum and disciplining an almost 2 year old.  I owe him more hugs and kisses then I will ever be able to dole out.  I mean we created the miracle of life darn it.....pretty awesome.  Speaking of the miracle of life.....those babes of mine are totally worth it.  They are so sweet, cuddly, they make me laugh and cry (tears of joy, of course) all at the same time and I don't think I knew a love this deep could exist until they made their respective debuts. (How much mush can a reader take?)....I could write a novel that would rival Melville, Tolstoy, J.K. Rowling aaaaaaaaaaaand Rand all together but I won't.  I'll save the rest for another day.  I'm gonna go and enjoy my blessings.

1. Baby J is yap, yap, yapping soooooo much more

2. Literally anything can be a hat, no?

3. This lucky lady gets to hang with that handsome guy every night 

Post Super Bowl post

Hmmm....The Super Bowl was yesterday....and if I had just read that I would have already closed the page, and added a snarky thanks captain obvious. I don't have a clue where this post is going, but I'll throw a Hail Mary pass at it and "win one for the Gipper" and see where that takes me (or maybe I should try for a Guinness record of most sports analogies inserted into a non-sports blog).

As already previously stated the blow out that was the Super Bowl was soooooo anti- climactic that I was ready for the never ending season of baseball to return with a quickness.  I really enjoyed watching P. Mann do his thing this season (disclaimer: I only only watch football on Sundays and still don't understand most of it) and was looking forward to ole Vince-e-poo Lombardi gracing his shiny pigskin into the hands of said QB.  Buuuuuuuut, didn't happen......so I indulged in something much better (no, it wasn't Downton Abbey)- the gluttony that is a Super Bowl smorgasbord of tasty, salty, spicy goodness.

We decided to host a small shindig in honor of the day and I spent all day in a flurry prepping food and floors (the amount of dog hair and dust bunnies hopping about was somewhat shameful....Queen of the domicile right here!) for a fun night of festivities.  Any who, in case you're interested in recipes I'm gonna share 'em....with the exception of the chili recipe because the large tome my brother wrote will not be re-typed by this girl anytime soon.

The menu:

Guacamole....I know, I know, everyone makes guac but I really love (so much I might wanna marry it) this recipe is 2-LEGIT-2-QUIT

Crock-pot drummies.  I didn't want an oven option because I wanted them to be ready and stay warm for several hours, so I did these.  They were tasty and very subtle, next time I will add more ginger and honey as the soy sauce was kind overwhelming the flavor.

Buffalo chicken dip, also in a crockpot because I love me some easy throw it in a pot and let it work some magic recipes.  I'm actually going to type this out because I couldn't find a link to the recipe I use....
1 whole rotisserie chicken, deboned and shredded (rotisserie chicken is the BEST, not much more expensive than a raw bird....and hand-over-fist better than canned chicken, but if you prefer easy then used the canned stuff- equivalent to the amount of a whole bird)
1.5 pkg cream cheese, softened
1.5 cups Frank's red hot (the best hot sauce IMHO)
1.5 cups Hidden Valley Ranch.....I will go fist-to-cuffs with anyone who doesn't think this ranch is far beyond compare

-throw it all in the crock pot until warm and cream cheese is all melted and blended.

So yeah, I'm not a walking paid advertisement.....yet? *wink, wink*

I did serve the obligatory veggies and dip, which only brought down my level of gluttony a wee smidge of a hair. And some amazing friends brought all the provisions for a French75, yum yum yum.....so good and surprisingly didn't put hair on the chest. And another friend brought over the BEST brownies- such ooooeygooooeyfudgeynes!

Today the snow is falling in big huge clumps, and I'm kicking myself real hard for deciding to freeze the leftover chili....I will be enjoying more brownies though! I'll just have a second cup of my sweet nectar instead. (side note, I will NOT be writing anymore posts from the iPad, I know its completely random-which I admittedly am frequently-but the interface just S-T-I-N-K-S like 5 day old baby diaper! too much? whatevs)

That's my back yard peeps! Kind of obsessed with how google+ "animates" some of my photos!

I'm sensing a theme....

Do you hear what I hear? *crickets and even more crickets*  Yup, and I'm extremely excited about those crickets too....because *drum roll* both of my babes are SLEEPING at the same time.  Miracle of miracles for sure, at least for me.  I have been working on this since Baby J was born and my stats for victory are like -0.000087% success. Now I'm just awaiting the dreaded whines from upstairs indicating X-man has just pooed in his diaper and refuses to just stay asleep with the stink bomb in-situ.  Its moments like this that make me hold my breath for about 1.2 seconds then run around the house like a chihuahua on speed (laundry, dishes, toys everywhere, folding clothes, and continue with the endless list) although I would rather be sipping my nectar and lounging on the couch watching bad day time television. 

So back to my theme for the week...accomplishments.  I made it to the gym today, after a 3 day hiatus.  It took 2 days just to talk myself into actually venturing to that self imposed torture facility and believe me it only would have taken one/uno/ein eensie-teensie negative suggestion to keep me from going. Honestly, its the even LARGER negative thought of becoming a fattie that keeps me going, plus I do feel good AFTER.  What can I say, I'm a walking contradiction with most of my feelings towards any given thing. 

It is X-Man's birthday soon so today I put on my big girl panties and put together his tricycle, from his GiGi and Papa, all by lonesome.  I like working with my hands and putting things together, strange but true fact about myself. Give me a hammer and you may get a picture hung or a hole in the wall....I did say I was enthusiastic but never did I say I was GOOD at it.  Anywho, the trike was super duper easy peasy to put together and came with a how-to in pictures (my fave, cuz who wants to READ instructions?) and took 15 minutes.  I even had pictorial evidence for you!

BEFORE

AFTER

Blogger and better things OR Case of the Tuesdays

If the title wasn't enough to pique your interest in my musings for the day, then let me enlighten.  You see, I'm terrible at keeping up with my blog but in my head I constantly have these great light bulbs pinging off all the time (also possible I have undiagnosed ADD).....alas a case of the Tuesdays has struck and now you 're stuck with this.  A case of the Tuesdays you are saying to yourself, I thought it was a case of the Mundays-and you would be mostly right unless of course you are me and somehow the feeling from yesterday has crept into today.  First its subzero temps here and the hubs work related absence is making the days LONG.  However, today I had to make a list of my accomplishments-small but mighty, its the little things right?

1. Diapers are CLEAN and somewhat put together for usage, plus reading my fave blog ever...go check it out  here

2. Oh nectar of the gods, why do you taste so good and ultimately disappear too quickly????

3. Made it to story time this am at a new place, and was pleasantly surprised this place sells new and consignment stuff....SO Baby J has his first pair of wellies that he may fit into in like a year? Ever prepared am I!

4. Thank you craigslist for finally gracing me with a kiddie table and chairs....I'm super picky and wanted wood.

5. But Kendra, that's just a picture of your baby and its not like you grew him, birthed him and all that jazz in one day and again dear readers you would be correct.....the accomplishment today is that he is DRESSED! Victory and a round of applause please!

6. Yamaka or helmet, you decide.

It's Christmas Time

So, with above said post title start humming that little holiday ditty. Christmas music is my fave to listen to, from Handel's Messiah and the Nutcracker to Mariah Carey (sing it, sistah!)and Michael Buble.

This is my first Christmas in New Jersey and therefor away from my family.  With moving and two small children the day sort of snuck up on me, despite having 4 weeks of Advent to constantly remind me.  Presents were not so carefully wrapped under the Christmas tree and there were no stockings to be hung by the fireplace with even the least amount of care, so yeah. I hope I'm sounding more like a busy mom and less like Scrooge's long lost sister.

My brother and his wife are oh-so awesome and came to visit! The boys love their Uncle G and Aunt Ke-ke. I really enjoy watching them all interact and my brother is going to be the bestest Dad. So weird to type and even weirder (more weird?, come get me grammar police) to say.

Without further ado, the day in pictures.

1. Daddy and X-Man opening his gifts, complete with an awesome "motion" frame of pics

2. Auggie the doggie, with possibly a tumor growing out of his head

3. Baby J with Aunt Kelsey

4.Gotta love the grainie selfie

5. MORE X-Man and Daddy

6. Uncle G with the boys

The longest of walks down memory lane

I've been staying with my parents while my husband finished up the remainder of his training in Oklahoma up until our home closes in New Jersey.  It has been a wonderful experience for so many reasons, but today definitely takes the cake.....you see, my mom has saved SOOOOOOO many of our "things" from my childhood (almost receiving the gold medal in hoarding, but not quite) and going through it all has been very fun and nostalgic with a twist of sad longing for my youth (this adult responsibility thing really is for the birds).  Without further ado, I give you my YOUTH in a Wordless Wednesday:

*I don't care how old you are, Little People will always and forever ROCK

*1980 something neon grill or banana clip....you decide

*This top was actually my dad's when he was a kid

*I feel like this picture speaks very highly for itself, especially of my generally good taste in music

*I really did want to be a ballerina, but my mediocre training and pointe skills left something to be desired

*On the count of 3, everybody sing with me how they heard it through the grapevine....

*My very first backpack

Love,
K.

Case of the Mundays

Yes, yes, yes I know that today is Tuesday but the rainy icky weather has given me a double case of the horrible, no good, very bad Munday two days in a row.  Is that possible? Yes, or maybe I'm just letting the grey rain cloud hovering over my head give me a case of the frownies.  I've shirked my personal running goal for two days and replaced it with television (more than any one person should consume), hiding under a warm blankie and my mom's brownies a la mode with raspberries and chocolate syrup....overindulgent much? What happened to my beautiful fall?  The trees always turn too fast, but the wet weather has made them turn even quicker.  Blah! This is why I could never live in the pacific northwest. So, yeah....now that I've given you MY ray of sunshine for the past two days......I dare you to not smile at these cheesey faces.

Introducing Baby J and X-Man
Love,
K.

Facebook Free

I DID IT! I DID IT! I was threatening it to myself for months now, and last week I put a "final notice" status update on my timeline.  Now the time has come, I was strong, I didn't shed a tear...I DELETED MY FACEBOOK ACCOUNT and I'm totally patting myself on the back with a smug smirk on my holier-than-thou face. I did offer my email address to remain in touch with anyone that wanted to, as I would genuinely ENJOY getting a personal email and maintaining relationships with friends and family that are no longer close by....aaaaaaaaaaand I received a whopping two emails. Clearly I am THE most popular facebook friend of all my facebook friends?!?!?!

Alllllllllllll this started when I was waxing sentimental, maybe feeling a little blue about friendships that have been neglected and people I once knew that I now only know anything about BECAUSE of facebook and that just made me even more sad....especially when I attempted to reach out and was left with nothing but the aforementioned feelings.  Then I realized that my expectations of what facebook could or should be were just WAY TOO HIGH (the eternal optimist in me was a little crushed-NOT!). Anywhos, I'm over it and being a voyeur into other lives without actually getting to be a participant in anyway made me feel a little bit too much like this:

My oh-so-wisest of the owls mom listened to my sob story, probably rolled her eyes more than once at my saddest of tales and reminded me that facebook is the water cooler of our generation, the place to check-in with people and not to get my panties into such a wad over it.  On a another note, I'm completely demoralized that so many conversations I have start with "did you see this or that on fb?" Well, I certainly hope the new way to communicate and relate with people doesn't come solely from someones latest status update, overshare or most recent pic upload. Besides, I just spend too much time on it and that is really what it boils down to.  So, instead you can find me here on a daily basis. 

My final feelings about today and how awesome I feel to have finally pulled the trigger can BEST be summed up with interpretive dance:

Love,
K.

p.s. I just hope I don't wake up in the middle of the night panicking that I've forgotten to do something or lost something important only to realize that all the fuss is about deleting fb. 

Ummm....

Not a single word....I found this "draft" hanging out from May of 2012. Apparently I was in the mood to write absolutely nothing!

First Trimester

The first trimester was nothing short of a miracle-that I survived it that is!  I was SO nauseous from sun up to sun down that I started to let my mind run away from me (ie panic that I would be one of those oh-so-lucky women to be nauseous my entire pregnancy).  I google'd my heart out for any possible remedy, I read any and every blog out there and I actually tried every suggestion.....from every natural herbal possibility to finally calling my OB (at the time I still had one).  I tried nux vomica, peppermint tea, eating saltines first thing in the morning (not so easy to do without a glass of water close by), eating every 2 hours and making sure it was plenty of protein, sea sick bands worn 24/7 and finally going the pharmaceutical route.  I took generic zofran during the day and phenergan at night.....but these only lessened the symptoms and only slightly.  I eventually stopped taking the meds once I talked to my midwife.....because as she stated "those drugs are for nausea of a different kind, not pregnancy".  I'm certainly not judging anyone who does need to take medication, because if it had actually worked I probably would have kept taking it.  I did discover ginger ale and P.F. Chang's (insert restaurant plug here) ginger beer-that stuff is AMAZING!  Its made from ginger puree and very strong, which I found that I really enjoyed.  I turned into a blob fairly quickly.....I could only muster the strength to go to work and then come home and be a blob on the couch for the rest of the night.  I missed over 8 weeks of pilates and boy could I feel it.  On the bright side of being a blob on the couch there was plenty of time to research pregnancy, and educate myself on just about everything from natural birth, to cloth diapers to labor and everything in between.

In August Chris and I went to Chicago to partake in some most excellent music and city life.  This was my 4th year at Lollapalooza and the line up was quite promising!  This was week 14 and nausea was mostly gone with the exception of a night spent in the bathroom over some lobster corn dogs.  We ate at my favorite deep dish Chicago pizza joint-Lou Malnati's and the organic food vendors at Lolla were awesome-fried cheese with olive oil and fresh fruit smoothies.  On Saturday a pretty wicked storm blew through and delayed the Foo Fighters from starting, the storm only subsided long enough for the Foo to get on stage and as they began singing their opening song the clouds opened up again and the crowd roared! It was pretty awesome, except I had been waiting for Chris to return with my awesome bratwurst wrapped in a pretzel bun only for it to be a soggy mess when he finally made it back to me.

Going to Chicago is always a fun trip!  On Sunday we found a great Thai restaurant somewhat off the beaten path of downtown and I enjoyed the most fragrant lemongrass coconut soup.  We got a huge bag of Garrett's popcorn-the Chicago mix!

I LOVE CHICAGO!

HOMEBIRTH HERE WE COME!

I have some exciting exciting exciting news to share!  We have decided on a waterbirth at home.  I have been seeing a OB/GYN in Arkansas who is great, but I will be moving to Oklahoma and decided that I needed to find a new doc.....so began my quest.

I began watching too much TLC's "A baby story" (I've already decided to stop, as it kind of freaks me out cuz that will be me soon) and one of the mom's did a water birth.  I was so moved by the interviews given by the midwife and doula, that I knew this would be something for me.  Further research led me to the possibility of giving birth at home-and honestly (to me at least) what better place is there? 

Much to my chagrin, there are no practicing midwives in my town and most of the OB offices weren't exactly friendly about it either.  However, when I get an idea into my head I blaze forward all engines running with full steam and so I have stumbled upon some pretty neat websites and forums (ie Heaven Sent Births, Mother.com) plus some really fun resources that led me to my midwife.

We (midwife and I) had a brief discussion earlier in the week, and she suggested two wonderful documentaries: "Pregnant in America" and "The Business of Being Born".  I have watched the first one, and so has my husband.  I really enjoyed it, cried at times (but to be fair I cry at most things lately) and was left with a new sense of purpose.  This movie sealed the deal for me....there is just no way I am interested in giving birth in a hospital.  I'm not going to be talked into an epidural, c-section, induction...NADA! Please don't be offended, it just isn't the choice for me.  So, to be fair I'm going to share that my best friend had to be induced and had to have a c-section because it was MEDICALLY NECESSARY, but on any given day childbirth is not some life and death situation.

My husband and I made the trek by meet with the midwife, and came up with a lot of good questions for her like 1) do we need a back up dr plan? ANS: NO (phew!)
2) what are your stats? ANS: She sends about 11% of clients to hospital, and only 1% of her clients have had to have a c-section (another phew!, she really knows what she is doing)
3) how do we prepare at home? ANS: You buy a kit, pretty inexpensive with everything the midwife will need (another PHEW!, You mean they make kits for this?!?!?)
4) What to avoid? ANS: deli meats, raw fish, raw cheese, all sweeteners-because apparently splenda has chlorine in it, and nutrasweet turns into some formaldehyde derivative in temperature above 88 degrees  (ok, I can handle that and a little freaked out by sugar substitutes)

She gave so many other helpful ideas, and of course I'm going to try them all.  I'm also excited that she is attempting to get in network with our insurance!

She did also give us a wonderful gift-we got to hear our baby's heartbeat! 166 bpm, so strong and I think Chris was got pretty excited too!

So, we get to the car and he ask me who I want at home with us.....to which I respond "just you and me", and he gets all panicky and says "no way, I can't deliver a baby by myself!" (poor guy, I can only imagine how freaked out he must have been).  ME: "Chris, the midwife does that part, you assist" So, with that major crisis averted we went off to lunch and treated ourselves to Jamba Juice! YUM YUM!

The misconception of miscarriage

Well, I just wanted to put this out there-miscarriage, why is it such a faux-pas to discuss it or share it? I mean let's throw all the preconceived notions about not telling people before 12 weeks because reality is that 25% of women have miscarriages, and some happen even AFTER 12 weeks.

Once I was finally able to at least mention that I was prego, I also had to mention that I didn't know how far along I was because of a previous miscarriage and I didn't have a cycle after blah blah blah....which, believe it or not is not the most exciting way to share such wonderful news.  However, almost every woman I told felt comfortable enough to tell me they had also had a miscarriage.  Two of which happened after 3 months and at the time sounded like a painful experience.  I feel so grateful to know that I wasn't alone, because the statistics most definitely weren't comforting enough.  I think that if you have a strong bond with another woman, you should at the very least console, talk with, grief with and cry with one another-especially if you aren't the lie on a couch and assume of the position of a patient type person. Please don't think I'm ignoring the importance of husbands because they also share a huge roll, but its just not quite the same is it?

In speaking with one friend, she sort of gave me the idea to write this blog (it was her idea to write a book about it).

I found out I was pregnant in the middle of April, having no symptoms but my cycle was late.  My husband and I are open to children, but we weren't exactly "trying" to conceive.  I was SO very excited, and called my best friend and parents right away.  I wasn't going to see my husband for 3 more days (we live apart currently due to job situation), so I sought their advice on how to tell him and a quick google search (what did I do before the internet?!?) and decided to wrap up the pregnancy test as a present.  Needless to say, he was in SHOCK and it took him a couple of days to marinate in the idea of being a daddy. (I'm told this isn't super uncommon, but if any men out there care to share their first reactions I would LOVE to hear your story).

I made my first prenatal appointment for the Tuesday after Easter, but still wasn't having any pregnancy symptoms....so I went along my merry way.  On Good Friday evening, I started having some light cramps and some spotting.  I am a worrier and somewhat of a panicker, and so I ran to the store for a pregnancy test and scavenged the internet for information.  I went to bed, trying not to let it bother me but at 3 am I was woken up by some pretty sharp pains and of course more panic.  I took some Aleve (not know at the time this is a "no, no"), but that didn't even come close to squelching the pain.  I was still just spotting, but it started to become heavier and I took another pregnancy test, which was positive (I would later find out why they continue to be positive).  The pain was just something I had never experienced before, and I think I have a pretty high tolerance for pain.  I couldn't sit still, I was uncomfortable in every position I tried until finally I passed a mass of tissue.  The physical pain went away instantly, but I was in shock.  I cried on and off for the next couple of days.  My husband was completely supportive and nurturing, and I couldn't have asked for more.  We went to Easter Vigil that night, we prayed, I cried, he hugged me.  It was hard to look at families and babies.

I text messaged my family and best friend to let them know what happened, but asked them to leave me alone.  My best friend told me she cried for two hours after I told her.  That Monday I called by Dr's office, and they scheduled an ultrasound to see what happened.  I went, and the ultrasound told me what I already knew-no baby.  My Dr. gave me this ridiculous pamphlet, that I suppose is supposed to be helpful. Two blood tests later told me that my hcg was back to zero......

A week later, my husband and I had another conversation about the miscarriage, and he said the sweetest thing ever-"going through all this made me realize just how much I want to be a dad".  I still kinda tear up when I recall the conversation.

I was advised, all most doctors do to wait for 2-3 full cycles before trying again....to grieve, to make sure your body had returned to "normal"....its just one of those things that will always be with me, as I'm sure it is with anyone who has ever had a miscarriage. 

I wrote this for me, and for anyone who is reading it.